Spider on Acid

Treasure

2007-07-22T07:15:00.000-04:00

Here are a few places Paul and I visited while in Japan.

The Zojoji Temple and Tokyo tower in the background.

A walk way at Zojoji Temple

The Imperial Palace in Tokyo

The old Imperial Palace in Kyoto

The Golden Pavilion Kyoto

Work

2007-06-29T09:07:00.000-04:00

It is 8:57am and I have work to do.

Work is one of those words that means so little but yet so much to me.

Honk. Honk. Hey Baby!

2007-06-08T10:48:00.000-04:00

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!

When I drive an hour and a half to my fucking job, I expect no intruders to enter my little bubble! I put a CD in and try to relax. It’s a hellish commute as it is and the last thing I want or need is some idiot hounding me. I’m in my car for crying out loud. Driving to work is a solitary experience! When you honk at me and display a pathetic attempt of attention what do you expect? Me to pull over and do you right on the side of the highway?

The past two weeks I have experienced something that I thought I had moved away from in Montgomery County. I am now getting the “HONK HONK! Hey baby how you doing? Want to jump on my dick?”

FUCK NO!

Why do men of all types, be they: attractive, fugly, or douchebags, get off on expressing their caveman instincts to fuck something? I thought I moved away from this. Well I guess I forgot the truth about the world. Humans can be the foulest disgusting creatures on the planet.

Once is not enough, not for these morons. Four fucking times! What goes through this person's mind?

Hey there is a chic in that white car. I know, I’m horny and I want to fuck something, let me honk at her and ask her if she wants to suck my dick! Oh damn, she flicked me off. Hmmm, well cars are moving, let me move ahead. Hey there is a chic in that white car. I know I’m horny and I want to fuck something, let me honk at her and ask her if she wants to suck my dick! Oh damn, she flicked me off. Hmmm, well cars are moving, let me move ahead.

Rinse and repeat!

You’d think at some point they’d figure out that there’s no way in hell I would (or any other self respecting female for that matter) ever want to fuck something as disgusting as them!

You might have heard but

2007-04-23T09:16:00.000-04:00

The Year Two thousand seven, The day July eleventh, the hour twelve forty one Post meridiem

A girl steps on to a plane.

thriteen hours later her jorney starts with the love of her life

I AM GOING TO JAPAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH YEAH BABY

2007-03-28T09:57:00.000-04:00

Penny Arcade Expo 2007
Information
Summary
My Registration
Confirmation
My Agenda

General Options

Name: Jessica Weiss
Number of people registered: 2

Title: Penny Arcade Expo 2007
Location: Washington State Convention and Trade Center
800 Convention Place
Seattle, WA 98101
USA
Phone: 206-694-5000
Date: Friday, August 24, 2007 Add to my calendar
Time: 2:00 PM

Current Registration Details

Registration Items

Jessica Weiss Early Bird Three-day Badge Early Bird 3-day Badge

Paul Petyo Early Bird Three-day Badge Early Bird 3-day Badge

Dangers of sleep

2007-03-22T09:22:00.000-04:00

I find it harder and harder to wake up in the morning. I am one of these people that does not reach deep, restful sleep easily. Oh the many stories Paul could tell you of me sleeping with my eyes open, talking, hitting, and well frankly, just dreaming aloud.

I blame it on the bed! I can't reach REM because the bed will feed on my brain waves. It is alive, I swear it.

What no one told you is that your bed is alive. They are not made in factories like you thought. Once the creatures known as mattress were gathered in great forests by gnomes. The gnomes would round them up, like wild horses, and tame and train them. Now things are a bit more civilized. The beds are raised at bed farms and once they reach the right size they ship them out to stores near you.

Because they have been tamed and live in captivity they lay flat and don't move much.

But here is the part that makes my nights rough.

You know how when it is time to get up but you just can't? The bed is so cozy, the sheets are so soft and smooth, the pillow so fluffy. How can you leave a bed like this? That is mere bed trickery! Bed Voodoo!

Once you fall asleep and you have reached REM the bed sucks your dreams and feeds on them. When you awake to the bed being so cozy, all you want to do is just go back to sleep -- don't. It is just a trick! The bed will do anything to get you to lay back down and sleep so it can gorge itself more.

I know its tricks so I fight it in my dream world. My lashing out in sleep is me fighting the warm embrace of the bed. My dreaming aloud is so the bed can't suck my dreams out. My sleeping with my eyes open is me trying to trick the bed into thinking I am awake!

OH BEWARE BEDS OF THE WORLD. I am on to you – oh, I am on to you.

Douche Bag

2007-03-07T08:41:00.000-05:00

I generally feel sorry for you, because you don’t get it. You are pathetic. You hide behind your insecurities only to boost them louder with your cacophonic over compensation. Why can't you realize that?

Paul and cat

2007-02-14T11:36:00.000-05:00

I am in your stroller stealing your masculinity!!! Happy Valentines day Paul.

Let me count the ways

2007-01-11T11:39:00.000-05:00

1. you are so dreamy
2. you make me laugh
3. your eyes god your eyes
4. your 6’ to my 5’6
5. you fulfill my older man complex
6. you are intelligent and amazing
7. you make my heart pump faster with the thought of you in a suite
8. your eye for the right moment astonish me
9. you always know the right thing to say

OH Zach Braff you’re my hero

"A gay post"

2006-10-23T15:13:00.000-04:00

Today started out as one of those days

Just another forgettable day

Nothing stood out

All the colors where dull

People’s faces had no features, just a blank canvas of skin.

Then it happened.

A thought, a memory, a waking dream, it crept into my head. At first I did not acknowledge its presence. It stayed in the dark side of my cognitive thoughts. Then it moved into the light.

The smile that crept across my face cleared the haze and fog. It made me happy.

Memory of a limb

2006-09-18T11:13:00.000-04:00

The perception of sensations, usually including pain, in an arm or leg after the limb has been amputated. The brain still gets messages from the nerves that originally carried impulses from the missing limb. Phantom limb syndrome is relatively common in amputees, especially in the early months and years after limb loss.

Finally when things are going so well and my adjustment seems to be going well it hits. The amputated limb awakens to stir the impulses. The Nerves have been severed and still it tingles.

How long before there is no pain? The pruning has turned into more pain, my limbs are bare and desolate with few leaves. The water I receive is enough to keep me alive but I am still a butchered ugly tree that not even Charlie Brown will love.

When will new limbs grow?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

2006-09-05T15:22:00.000-04:00

Today

2006-08-08T15:56:00.000-04:00

Today’s weather, overcast with a chance of rain.

Pruning

2006-07-06T10:54:00.000-04:00

prune2 (proon)
v. pruned, prun·ing, prunes
v. tr.

To cut off or remove dead or living parts or branches of (a plant, for example) to improve shape or growth.

Pruning is a vital part of plant and tree care. This task can be confusing so we developed the following guide to help you prune properly.

Three basic tools suffice for most pruning jobs: shears, loppers, and a pruning saw. Keep them sharp for clean cuts; disinfect after pruning diseased material.

It is that time to prune dead and unwanted limbs.

sexiest thing know to me

2006-05-08T22:21:00.000-04:00

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have no idea. Some people like fancy cars and some people don't. I however, think of this babies; 24 Mix Outputs, 4 band fully-parametric EQ,8 Stereo aux outputs, 10 VCAs, 10 Automute groups, 27 x 8 matrix, and allways sexy snapshot automation of VCA routing, when I am ahem. But mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Finally

2006-04-28T17:38:00.000-04:00

I got a job. A real job! Not the kind where you wait tables or kiss butts to make your money, a job where I am making a salary and benefits. Thank you GOD !!!!!! Sweet.

The sleepless night of the living dream

2006-03-29T01:20:00.000-05:00

Can’t sleep. May be it was all the sugar I had today.

I been sitting here thinking about things that I do not need to be thinking of. I went to my alumni site. Found my graduation pictures. Found pictures of school projects.

I realized something tonight, I miss it. !!!

The rush of the few hours before a show, the rush of making sure everything is perfect. The rush of not knowing what the night will bring, God the nervous butterflies of “will I do it right this time”

I miss trying to be perfect. I miss the knowing what it takes to put this show on. I miss seeing the people and the looks in their eyes of an awesome show.

What happened to my dream? What happened to my drive? What happened to getting off my ass moving out of Maryland and making something of myself.

Where is that dream now?

In a restaurant prying that these people will take mercy on me and tip me well.

Looking at this makes me feel like a big let down. A big shame, to myself and family.

What happened to my drive? Why can’t I get up off my ass and do something about this dream? Why can’t I follow it?

God did I give up the last chance I had to make my dream happen.

What am I doing?

I realize sometimes to move forward we have to take a step back.

But then when I really think of what I want out of life things come into prospective.

I know that all I really want in life is a few things

1. a nice house
2. friends
3. a good job
4. one day have children
5. to be in a loving and caring relationship

I know these things will make me happy in the end. They will make me happier then any lonely small bunk on a bus would. Or that excitement I get right before a show.

top 10 things jess should not do when drunk

2006-03-16T11:11:00.000-05:00

1. order more drinks
2. sing to music
3. try to prounoce words that are way to long and complered
4. talk about lifting the hood
5. talk about lifting the man member
6. order food
7. talk about scerets
8. talk to strangers
9. pick up the phone
10. write a drunk blog

I thoguht it through

2006-02-23T15:14:00.000-05:00

i am comming home.

awsome day

2006-02-19T18:41:00.000-05:00

do i am having an amzing day so far!!!!! oh god it is wonderfull. I think it is becasue i been going to bed early and getting sleep real sleep. 8 hours i think of sleep. yay. it could also be the new perfume i got yay!!!!!

i got an email today from a person that hurt me alot. I am still bitter about it. The email brought me down from my high for a bit but i have to brush it off my shoulders and contuine to say well she is a cunt and that is what cunts do. After me cutting off all comunicatation for 2 years i don't understand why she would email me and call me a bitch. i just don't understnad. why can't she get it through her head that what she did broke my trust and friendship with her. I just don't get it. I am glad that it happened because it showed me What kind of person she really is and what kind of person he was.

It taught me a very vauble leason. it hurt but i know now. It also has made me cut all friends that are girls out of my life for so long. I am workign on that again. I still have major trust issues with Boyfriends and Friends of mine. I jsut have to get over it and open my eyes and do the leap of faith.

but back to my wonderfull day. It is so pretty here oh god. not the strip or the comercialism of vagas but the valley serrounded by the mountains(hills to some people). my god i just want to rent a car and go out in the dessert and experiance life. ok that is enough for now i need food.

Update. I was walking up to my room to change into my blacks a black man grab me and huged me and told me i was Beautiful. I was werided out. it made me smile say the least. I checked i have all my items with me.

jet lag?

2006-02-17T02:11:00.000-05:00

so I am in Vagas and thier is no time to have fun. I have had a very long day! i have had a small break to eat a crapy lunch in the employee caftira and that is all i have had today. i know i am just complaining and whinning but i am exhausted. So much running around. oh well i will get plenty of sleep tonight i hope.

home

2006-02-12T17:06:00.000-05:00

being home felt SO GOOD. Words can not describe how happy i was.

1 day away

2006-02-09T12:27:00.000-05:00

today i am located in a small coumminty in NJ. the Theater is located in the local highschool. I am once again faced with highschool. so far we have gooten in toruble for walking around in the halls and not being in class. The local it person here is a soccer mom that was higered for the job. it is intresting.

enough of the complaining on with the news.

i am comming home sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so excited i more then likely will not be able to sleep tonight.

ok ok back to work

onthe road again

2006-01-21T21:09:00.000-05:00

well i am on the road! I am living my dream. I been thrown so many great opertutines. I have been asked to be davids asstiant. That was shut down by the tour manager because he wants me to be his asstiant. i got a raise on the second day. so yay.

I am starting to get hte hang of this. If i choose to stay on i will never have a home. this tour does not stop. i will be living in a hotel room at the mgm for 3 months of the year then back on the road.

am i enjoying this?
hell yeah i am having a blast. I am been excited snice i started. Is this something i can see myself doing of course.

But it finally hit me today. I will never have a husband, i will never have a long term relationship other then a person on crew, i will never have a vaction, I will never be able to go home for a death in the fmaily, and i will never be in love with the person i want to be with. i will be alone. I enjoy the small converstions i have with certian people. which is only one person cause that is all i have time for and have privacy for. I can call anyone after 2 am but no one is awake.

This is my fucking dream. THis is what i paid 60 grand for. this is what i want.

so why the teater tooter?

this feeling i can't shake. the feeling of care. the feeling of wanting to be with someone that feels the same about you. the feeling of the person caring about you becuase you are you. this feeling i can't shake keeps me up at night. it fills my thoughts at day. Iknow i would never be truly happy either way.

deep down inside i know if i gave this up i would be so dissapointed in myself. I would allways think of what could have happened.

Touring is much like running away from your life. you have no life. you are so busy and so tired that you never have time to handle things in your own personal life.

I said a long time ago i am tired of running. I am now a take it head on kind of person. I want to go with the flow but at this point in my life i can't shake this feeling.

Straight from the horses mouth

2006-01-12T03:50:00.000-05:00

So I am going on tour!

No chuck Norris did not need a crew to go on tour with.

I am going on tour with David Fing Copperfield.

This was never in my wildest dreams. I never thought, I never. Oh my god have I blown my brains out and this is what purgatory is like?

I am excited I am thrilled. My first tour!!!!!!!!! I know that there is lots and lots of work to be done. I am talking about 7 am till 2 am most days and on the bus the others. I would never have imagined.

But underneath all that exterior is the true me. I am heartbroken and scared. The little girl in me shivers in the darkest depths of my core crying with fear of the unknown. I know I will push myself and I will go with eyes ears and mind wide open but I still will be stand offish. This is scary to me as most first tries are. I am scared that I won’t do a good enough job. I am scared I am not going to work hard enough. I am scared of a lot things but I have to push that aside and go along with the ride.

I am heart broken that my time in Maryland was short lived. I will be back no doubt but will miss it. My time with Paul was short and will miss our anime nights and witty comments. I just started to get to know you and now I have to say goodbye.  I know this is not forever but it is still sad. I am going to miss the bad porn/ movie night with Laura and Loren (something we did in high school). There are so many things I am going to miss.

I almost feel that this is not fair that I am being dealt a hand that is a win win with options. I could either go to Japan or to an expense paid trip across Europe. How the hell do you chose on something like that. It was a hard decision but a good one.

I am going to miss every one here in Maryland. I am sorry it was so short.

job update

2006-01-10T13:25:00.000-05:00

ok so far i have had an interviewed with RCI and Swank

I am awaiting my backgorund check with RCI and Swank

Just got a call from swank. They feel that my skills are not what the need at this time but a) are willing to hire me on as a contrator or b) hire me as an adminstrative asstiant at the hotel.

Atleast they like my hair !

what is nothing?

2006-01-09T22:04:00.000-05:00

“”

~ Oscar Wilde on nothing

Nothing

the more you know

a must see

2006-01-09T12:09:00.000-05:00

If one goes to Denmark this is the place to go!

Bon bon Land

based on this review

and the more you know

On average people fear spiders more than death.

the more you know

This seems to happen all the time.

2006-01-08T12:41:00.000-05:00

Why is it when ia m starting to feel good about things the past comes up? Not that I seek this out but for some reason it haunts me. The past is nothing more then a learning tool for me at this point and a guide to know where I have been and where I need to go.

I can’t understand why my hurt has never healed. One phone call is all that it takes. One phone call and my protection my thick outer coat crumbles to a frail and weak emotional state.

I understand that I am getting this way cause the “wound” has merely “scabbed” over. Just that one phone call or that one word sets me off in a crying fit.

These emotions are so hard to control and grasp.

I understand a big contributor to being emotional is (yes I am goanna use this card) the method of birth control I am using. One of the major side effects is depression.

I am getting better with not keeping these feelings these emotions in and pushing them down. I am actually becoming vocal and sharing how I feel. Sometimes it is so hard to sit there and tell someone that hurt you so bad that it hurts and it is not ok.

I still return to the “it is ok” to make that person feel better. In away it is like me say yes it is ok that you hurt me deep and that my feelings and self have been damaged by your irresponsibility. It almost feels as if it hurts more to say it is not ok. I almost feel that saying it is not ok is like saying I been living this horrible lie my whole life. I guess I have been.

I guess I am just tired of feeling these things and feel that it well over due to start to put the “Neosporin” over my “scab” to make it heal.

Sorry for the depressing post if you need cheering up after this please go to this site

the pig is out of the blanket

2006-01-05T22:56:00.000-05:00

The More You Know Pigs can have an orgasm of up to 30 mins. (not sure if this is an urban myth but The more you know)

Ok so today went by fairly smoothly. Operation weekend is going smoothly.

I have an interview tomorrow and I got a call back from swank about my second but first interview!!!! So health insurance and dental here I come.

I am getting excited. Tomorrow can not come soon enough.

My visit with Noah and Laura went superb. Laura and I chatted about life. It actually is not that far of a drive. If I take 27 to 70 then hit 695 it is actually pretty simple and only an hr.

I chatted with my friend brain from school for a little bit. It was his first day of work and of course blew the company away. He really has talked me into getting a smart rig. Oh the hotness of it all. Just when I think about the pink noise and the measurement mic it gets me all steamy. Realistically if I had a smart rig I could be making 300 extra on the side. It does not take that much to time a line and Eq a system setup. Oh man just talking about it gives me gose bumps. He wants to get a TEF rig to find the reflections and such but me I am fine with smart. So easy to set up as well as use. Gonna be expensive. I will just have to save as much as I can. I know a cheap good mic is at least 250 and the program if I can get a student to buy it for me at least 350. Then I would have to buy the laptop, usb mic pre and a midi controller as well. Oh man I can do it I know I can. It pay its self off in matter of 2 fixes. Oh oh oh oh ia m getting excited about just the thought of it all. Oh snap maybe as soon as I get my job I will do that.

Ok ok I am getting to dorky now so I am goanna go and try to sleep.

Vin Diesel used to be on the Pro Bowlers Tour, he was later kicked off for bowling a 400 game.

2006-01-04T04:44:00.000-05:00

Random fact of the day Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Now with that out of the way on with my ramblings

After a small night out I am feeling pretty good about things. I am still searching high and low for a job and plan on calling black cat and talking to the contact I got from a friend of mine.

I also have plans to call back swank (evil company that canceled my interview the first time and never called back), and a company in Beltsville. I was unable to find contacts for 9:30 club as well as international sound in dickeys Ville (no clue on earth where that might be).

I also am feeling ok about going back to work at a restaurant till my dream job comes.

Something is different today. I am feeling pretty good about things here. I can’t put my finger on it but something is different. I think it is the disappointment of not having a job is over. I am feeling great. I am starting to feel like myself again.

Short one today but informational about turtles and such.

Building my nest

2006-01-03T01:10:00.000-05:00

I know as well as many that moving to a new location, or just moving can be hard. I Feel as if I uprooted myself once again and been pushed to a place I am unfamiliar and scared of.

I find things here have not changed a lot, but It still seems strange and unfamiliar to me. I have changed so much since being hear last. I have only been gone a year and a half and I have changed. I take this as a good sign to becoming a better, healthier person.

I feel as if I left my nest of comfort in FL. I slowly built a security nest of comfort for myself there and now have to rebuild once again. Just as any bird builds a nest I will use old, new, strange, and foreign objects to build my new nest here. The hardest part is finding them. I will consistently keep my eyes peeled for new things to add, but I will miss the old one.

Since I have been back I done really nothing. I find myself getting more horribly depresses as the days go on, lying in bed with the lights out staring at the wall doing nothing. A casually I get out and yes it makes me thrilled happy and ecstatic. However upon my return, I return to myself and my unhappy world. I am not sure how to explain why. I need things to basically.

Being out of work does things to me. This must stem from having to prove to people I can do it on my own. My “I been taking care of myself since I was really young I can do it now”. I realize that a lot of people can’t find work right after school, but this still does not help. I pride myself on my work. I push myself to succeed or to try to do the best I can. Most of my self-esteem comes from this.

Am I running away from my thoughts, feelings, and emotions by pouring myself in my work? More then likely yes. There are a lot of things I have yet to deal with emotionally and keep them pressed deep down in my bottle of fear. Work to me is more then just a runaway solution. It is like a daily vitamin. It gives me the daily essentials of interactions with others, moving up and about, working up an appetite, setting goals in my life, and much, much more.

With out work where am I to get these “daily vitamins”? I been looking at groups and leagues of all sorts. Not to keep my mind busy but to help with the transition of my move, as well as to redefine myself as me again.

With Dur and so many other relationships I have given myself up for the other person. Hid my true personality form them and let the little me that I had float away. I believe by finding my interests and hobbies and many new friends that I will lay the script or tape to rest and begin the new one of me.

I never remember being this shy and this boring when I was younger. I had a chat with Laura and she commented on how much I had changed, “You had such a strong personality to you. Now you have calm down a lot”. I realize as we grow older we calm down in nature, but I was so out going knew what I wanted how to get it and be happy about it. But now I am shy not outgoing. I am so guarded to life and the people around it that is so hard for me to open one little gate. Of course these gates come down when I drink when my gates and mental state of mind are altered but a substance. I miss the loud funny Jess the life of the party. I know that that comes with a price and I guess I am paying it now.

Sitting here thinking about what I just wrote I feel the urge to apologize for any feelings I might have made you felt. I want to say I am sorry for letting you know how I feel and to repress any feeling I have and make sure yours are ok.

I congratulate myself on realizing the first step into hiding myself form the world.

Celebration time!!!

I shall leave you with my quote of the day “He is actually making progress”