Building my nest

I know as well as many that moving to a new location, or just moving can be hard. I Feel as if I uprooted myself once again and been pushed to a place I am unfamiliar and scared of.

I find things here have not changed a lot, but It still seems strange and unfamiliar to me. I have changed so much since being hear last. I have only been gone a year and a half and I have changed. I take this as a good sign to becoming a better, healthier person.

I feel as if I left my nest of comfort in FL. I slowly built a security nest of comfort for myself there and now have to rebuild once again. Just as any bird builds a nest I will use old, new, strange, and foreign objects to build my new nest here. The hardest part is finding them. I will consistently keep my eyes peeled for new things to add, but I will miss the old one.

Since I have been back I done really nothing. I find myself getting more horribly depresses as the days go on, lying in bed with the lights out staring at the wall doing nothing. A casually I get out and yes it makes me thrilled happy and ecstatic. However upon my return, I return to myself and my unhappy world. I am not sure how to explain why. I need things to basically.

Being out of work does things to me. This must stem from having to prove to people I can do it on my own. My “I been taking care of myself since I was really young I can do it now”. I realize that a lot of people can’t find work right after school, but this still does not help. I pride myself on my work. I push myself to succeed or to try to do the best I can. Most of my self-esteem comes from this.

Am I running away from my thoughts, feelings, and emotions by pouring myself in my work? More then likely yes. There are a lot of things I have yet to deal with emotionally and keep them pressed deep down in my bottle of fear. Work to me is more then just a runaway solution. It is like a daily vitamin. It gives me the daily essentials of interactions with others, moving up and about, working up an appetite, setting goals in my life, and much, much more.

With out work where am I to get these “daily vitamins”? I been looking at groups and leagues of all sorts. Not to keep my mind busy but to help with the transition of my move, as well as to redefine myself as me again.

With Dur and so many other relationships I have given myself up for the other person. Hid my true personality form them and let the little me that I had float away. I believe by finding my interests and hobbies and many new friends that I will lay the script or tape to rest and begin the new one of me.

I never remember being this shy and this boring when I was younger. I had a chat with Laura and she commented on how much I had changed, “You had such a strong personality to you. Now you have calm down a lot”. I realize as we grow older we calm down in nature, but I was so out going knew what I wanted how to get it and be happy about it. But now I am shy not outgoing. I am so guarded to life and the people around it that is so hard for me to open one little gate. Of course these gates come down when I drink when my gates and mental state of mind are altered but a substance. I miss the loud funny Jess the life of the party. I know that that comes with a price and I guess I am paying it now.

Sitting here thinking about what I just wrote I feel the urge to apologize for any feelings I might have made you felt. I want to say I am sorry for letting you know how I feel and to repress any feeling I have and make sure yours are ok.

I congratulate myself on realizing the first step into hiding myself form the world.

Celebration time!!!

I shall leave you with my quote of the day “He is actually making progress”