onthe road again

well i am on the road! I am living my dream. I been thrown so many great opertutines. I have been asked to be davids asstiant. That was shut down by the tour manager because he wants me to be his asstiant. i got a raise on the second day. so yay.

I am starting to get hte hang of this. If i choose to stay on i will never have a home. this tour does not stop. i will be living in a hotel room at the mgm for 3 months of the year then back on the road.

am i enjoying this?
hell yeah i am having a blast. I am been excited snice i started. Is this something i can see myself doing of course.

But it finally hit me today. I will never have a husband, i will never have a long term relationship other then a person on crew, i will never have a vaction, I will never be able to go home for a death in the fmaily, and i will never be in love with the person i want to be with. i will be alone. I enjoy the small converstions i have with certian people. which is only one person cause that is all i have time for and have privacy for. I can call anyone after 2 am but no one is awake.

This is my fucking dream. THis is what i paid 60 grand for. this is what i want.

so why the teater tooter?

this feeling i can't shake. the feeling of care. the feeling of wanting to be with someone that feels the same about you. the feeling of the person caring about you becuase you are you. this feeling i can't shake keeps me up at night. it fills my thoughts at day. Iknow i would never be truly happy either way.

deep down inside i know if i gave this up i would be so dissapointed in myself. I would allways think of what could have happened.

Touring is much like running away from your life. you have no life. you are so busy and so tired that you never have time to handle things in your own personal life.

I said a long time ago i am tired of running. I am now a take it head on kind of person. I want to go with the flow but at this point in my life i can't shake this feeling.