onthe road again

well i am on the road! I am living my dream. I been thrown so many great opertutines. I have been asked to be davids asstiant. That was shut down by the tour manager because he wants me to be his asstiant. i got a raise on the second day. so yay.

I am starting to get hte hang of this. If i choose to stay on i will never have a home. this tour does not stop. i will be living in a hotel room at the mgm for 3 months of the year then back on the road.

am i enjoying this?
hell yeah i am having a blast. I am been excited snice i started. Is this something i can see myself doing of course.

But it finally hit me today. I will never have a husband, i will never have a long term relationship other then a person on crew, i will never have a vaction, I will never be able to go home for a death in the fmaily, and i will never be in love with the person i want to be with. i will be alone. I enjoy the small converstions i have with certian people. which is only one person cause that is all i have time for and have privacy for. I can call anyone after 2 am but no one is awake.

This is my fucking dream. THis is what i paid 60 grand for. this is what i want.

so why the teater tooter?

this feeling i can't shake. the feeling of care. the feeling of wanting to be with someone that feels the same about you. the feeling of the person caring about you becuase you are you. this feeling i can't shake keeps me up at night. it fills my thoughts at day. Iknow i would never be truly happy either way.

deep down inside i know if i gave this up i would be so dissapointed in myself. I would allways think of what could have happened.

Touring is much like running away from your life. you have no life. you are so busy and so tired that you never have time to handle things in your own personal life.

I said a long time ago i am tired of running. I am now a take it head on kind of person. I want to go with the flow but at this point in my life i can't shake this feeling.

Straight from the horses mouth

So I am going on tour!

No chuck Norris did not need a crew to go on tour with.

I am going on tour with David Fing Copperfield.

This was never in my wildest dreams. I never thought, I never. Oh my god have I blown my brains out and this is what purgatory is like?

I am excited I am thrilled. My first tour!!!!!!!!! I know that there is lots and lots of work to be done. I am talking about 7 am till 2 am most days and on the bus the others. I would never have imagined.

But underneath all that exterior is the true me. I am heartbroken and scared. The little girl in me shivers in the darkest depths of my core crying with fear of the unknown. I know I will push myself and I will go with eyes ears and mind wide open but I still will be stand offish. This is scary to me as most first tries are. I am scared that I won’t do a good enough job. I am scared I am not going to work hard enough. I am scared of a lot things but I have to push that aside and go along with the ride.

I am heart broken that my time in Maryland was short lived. I will be back no doubt but will miss it. My time with Paul was short and will miss our anime nights and witty comments. I just started to get to know you and now I have to say goodbye.  I know this is not forever but it is still sad. I am going to miss the bad porn/ movie night with Laura and Loren (something we did in high school). There are so many things I am going to miss.

I almost feel that this is not fair that I am being dealt a hand that is a win win with options. I could either go to Japan or to an expense paid trip across Europe. How the hell do you chose on something like that. It was a hard decision but a good one.

I am going to miss every one here in Maryland. I am sorry it was so short.

job update

ok so far i have had an interviewed with RCI and Swank

I am awaiting my backgorund check with RCI and Swank

Just got a call from swank. They feel that my skills are not what the need at this time but a) are willing to hire me on as a contrator or b) hire me as an adminstrative asstiant at the hotel.

Atleast they like my hair !

what is nothing?

“”

~ Oscar Wilde on nothing

Nothing

the more you know

a must see

If one goes to Denmark this is the place to go!

Bon bon Land

based on this review

and the more you know

On average people fear spiders more than death.

the more you know

This seems to happen all the time.

Why is it when ia m starting to feel good about things the past comes up? Not that I seek this out but for some reason it haunts me. The past is nothing more then a learning tool for me at this point and a guide to know where I have been and where I need to go.

I can’t understand why my hurt has never healed. One phone call is all that it takes. One phone call and my protection my thick outer coat crumbles to a frail and weak emotional state.

I understand that I am getting this way cause the “wound” has merely “scabbed” over. Just that one phone call or that one word sets me off in a crying fit.

These emotions are so hard to control and grasp.

I understand a big contributor to being emotional is (yes I am goanna use this card) the method of birth control I am using. One of the major side effects is depression.

I am getting better with not keeping these feelings these emotions in and pushing them down. I am actually becoming vocal and sharing how I feel. Sometimes it is so hard to sit there and tell someone that hurt you so bad that it hurts and it is not ok.

I still return to the “it is ok” to make that person feel better. In away it is like me say yes it is ok that you hurt me deep and that my feelings and self have been damaged by your irresponsibility. It almost feels as if it hurts more to say it is not ok. I almost feel that saying it is not ok is like saying I been living this horrible lie my whole life. I guess I have been.

I guess I am just tired of feeling these things and feel that it well over due to start to put the “Neosporin” over my “scab” to make it heal.

Sorry for the depressing post if you need cheering up after this please go to this site

the pig is out of the blanket

The More You Know Pigs can have an orgasm of up to 30 mins. (not sure if this is an urban myth but The more you know)

Ok so today went by fairly smoothly. Operation weekend is going smoothly.

I have an interview tomorrow and I got a call back from swank about my second but first interview!!!! So health insurance and dental here I come.

I am getting excited. Tomorrow can not come soon enough.

My visit with Noah and Laura went superb. Laura and I chatted about life. It actually is not that far of a drive. If I take 27 to 70 then hit 695 it is actually pretty simple and only an hr.

I chatted with my friend brain from school for a little bit. It was his first day of work and of course blew the company away. He really has talked me into getting a smart rig. Oh the hotness of it all. Just when I think about the pink noise and the measurement mic it gets me all steamy. Realistically if I had a smart rig I could be making 300 extra on the side. It does not take that much to time a line and Eq a system setup. Oh man just talking about it gives me gose bumps. He wants to get a TEF rig to find the reflections and such but me I am fine with smart. So easy to set up as well as use. Gonna be expensive. I will just have to save as much as I can. I know a cheap good mic is at least 250 and the program if I can get a student to buy it for me at least 350. Then I would have to buy the laptop, usb mic pre and a midi controller as well. Oh man I can do it I know I can. It pay its self off in matter of 2 fixes. Oh oh oh oh ia m getting excited about just the thought of it all. Oh snap maybe as soon as I get my job I will do that.


Ok ok I am getting to dorky now so I am goanna go and try to sleep.

Vin Diesel used to be on the Pro Bowlers Tour, he was later kicked off for bowling a 400 game.

Random fact of the day Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Now with that out of the way on with my ramblings

After a small night out I am feeling pretty good about things. I am still searching high and low for a job and plan on calling black cat and talking to the contact I got from a friend of mine.

I also have plans to call back swank (evil company that canceled my interview the first time and never called back), and a company in Beltsville. I was unable to find contacts for 9:30 club as well as international sound in dickeys Ville (no clue on earth where that might be).

I also am feeling ok about going back to work at a restaurant till my dream job comes.

Something is different today. I am feeling pretty good about things here. I can’t put my finger on it but something is different. I think it is the disappointment of not having a job is over. I am feeling great. I am starting to feel like myself again.

Short one today but informational about turtles and such.

Building my nest

I know as well as many that moving to a new location, or just moving can be hard. I Feel as if I uprooted myself once again and been pushed to a place I am unfamiliar and scared of.

I find things here have not changed a lot, but It still seems strange and unfamiliar to me. I have changed so much since being hear last. I have only been gone a year and a half and I have changed. I take this as a good sign to becoming a better, healthier person.

I feel as if I left my nest of comfort in FL. I slowly built a security nest of comfort for myself there and now have to rebuild once again. Just as any bird builds a nest I will use old, new, strange, and foreign objects to build my new nest here. The hardest part is finding them. I will consistently keep my eyes peeled for new things to add, but I will miss the old one.

Since I have been back I done really nothing. I find myself getting more horribly depresses as the days go on, lying in bed with the lights out staring at the wall doing nothing. A casually I get out and yes it makes me thrilled happy and ecstatic. However upon my return, I return to myself and my unhappy world. I am not sure how to explain why. I need things to basically.

Being out of work does things to me. This must stem from having to prove to people I can do it on my own. My “I been taking care of myself since I was really young I can do it now”. I realize that a lot of people can’t find work right after school, but this still does not help. I pride myself on my work. I push myself to succeed or to try to do the best I can. Most of my self-esteem comes from this.

Am I running away from my thoughts, feelings, and emotions by pouring myself in my work? More then likely yes. There are a lot of things I have yet to deal with emotionally and keep them pressed deep down in my bottle of fear. Work to me is more then just a runaway solution. It is like a daily vitamin. It gives me the daily essentials of interactions with others, moving up and about, working up an appetite, setting goals in my life, and much, much more.

With out work where am I to get these “daily vitamins”? I been looking at groups and leagues of all sorts. Not to keep my mind busy but to help with the transition of my move, as well as to redefine myself as me again.

With Dur and so many other relationships I have given myself up for the other person. Hid my true personality form them and let the little me that I had float away. I believe by finding my interests and hobbies and many new friends that I will lay the script or tape to rest and begin the new one of me.

I never remember being this shy and this boring when I was younger. I had a chat with Laura and she commented on how much I had changed, “You had such a strong personality to you. Now you have calm down a lot”. I realize as we grow older we calm down in nature, but I was so out going knew what I wanted how to get it and be happy about it. But now I am shy not outgoing. I am so guarded to life and the people around it that is so hard for me to open one little gate. Of course these gates come down when I drink when my gates and mental state of mind are altered but a substance. I miss the loud funny Jess the life of the party. I know that that comes with a price and I guess I am paying it now.

Sitting here thinking about what I just wrote I feel the urge to apologize for any feelings I might have made you felt. I want to say I am sorry for letting you know how I feel and to repress any feeling I have and make sure yours are ok.

I congratulate myself on realizing the first step into hiding myself form the world.

Celebration time!!!

I shall leave you with my quote of the day “He is actually making progress”